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too old for the universe

With all the snow falling in New England lately, we’ve got ourselves a whole lotta snow drifts on curbs. So sometimes the only way to get into the car is on the street side. This, of course, presents a danger to small children, so the other day, I told Dina to walk close to the side of the car while I shielded her with my body from the moving traffic only inches away from our car door.

Dina: You’d sacrifice yourself for me?

Me: Yeah, that’s what moms do.

Dina: Because I still have my whole life ahead of me…

Me: Sure. And because it’s my instinct to protect my young–

Dina: …and because I still need to grow up and fall in love and get married and have babies, and you’ve already done all that?

Me: (sarcastically) Right. So I’m useless to the universe now.

Now we are in the car, where Basya’s already sitting in her seat.

Basya: You’re not useless. You still need to raise us.

Me: So what age do you think you’d need to be where I’d be dispensable?

Basya: (thinks for a moment) Like, when I’m sixteen…because then I could drive, and I could get a job and support Dina.

Me: Great! So when you’re sixteen I’m going to run away and join the circus!

Basya: (tenderly) Mom! Just because we won’t need you around doesn’t mean we won’t want you around!

I couldn’t make this stuff up.

I wrote this.

Just in time, apparently, for the day after Poe’s birthday.

the hot zone

Me: Bassie, we were thinking of maybe going to this Muppets exhibit at the Museum of Science and Industry.

Bassie: No. I don’t like the Muppets.

Me: What?! You love the Muppets!

Bassie: Not anymore.

Me: Adults love the Muppets!

Bassie: Exactly. Adults and little kids. I’m nine, Mom.

Me: Ahhh…so you’re in the hot zone where don’t like anything.

Bassie: Exactly…I’m moody.

Walks away to indicate that conversation is over. Also, can we just appreciate the brilliance of correlating “moodiness” with “apathy”? Now remind me that I said that when we’ve been in the hot zone another five years…

New link to funny

Hey, you! Merry Christmas!

Also…scroll down, waaaaay down. I put a link to a new posterous blog I started for my comedy writing. Cuz, you know, I don’t want to throw off the AF branding (danger: you will start talking about yourself in terms of “brand” when your husband leaves his old business school books in the bathroom), but I want everyone who reads my heartwarming and charming and funny tales of motherhood to also be able to enjoy my other work.

It’s right there under “My Comedy Writing”. I’ll update it as frequently as the muse strikes.

Hope you enjoy.

ps: Today’s post is timely. You might want to make sure to read it before the holiday is over. If it’s after Christmas, you should still read it–North Pole policies affect us all.

Introducing: The LOLsiepops!

Well, we knew this day would come. The day that Basya and Dina decided they want to make the funny like their Mom. So, they formed a two-person sketch team and named it The LOLsiepops. This is their first video. They’re planning one a week until they make it big.

I’m pretty sure they’ll be famous before I am.

Basya blames everyone.

Basya: What’s that prison island?

Me: Alcatraz?

Basya: Yeah! Yeah. They stole that in Harry Potter!

Me: Oh, cuz of “Azkaban”?

Basya: Yeah! “Alcatraz”. “Azkaban”. And it’s a prison surrounded by water and you can’t escape.

Me: You think those are too close?

Basya: Yeah. I don’t like that they did that.

Me: You mean that J.K. Rowling did that? Do you blame the publisher?

Basya: Yeah. I blame the publisher, the editor, everyone involved in making the books.

Harsh.

Not a Gleek, but still…

…I love everything about Kurt Hummel. The guy who plays his dad, Mike O’Malley, should get an Emmy for playing an openly-gay teenager’s father with such honesty, complexity, and love. Kurt’s voice may very well be the most beautiful on the show (and if they’d stop autotuning it maybe we could hear it!). And now he’s getting all cozy with this guy, which is awesome b/c the guy who’s playing him isn’t even gay, and is just killing the role with his charisma and sincerity.

The world is far from perfect, but even 15 years ago when I was in high school, the thought of having a mainstream popular television show with a gay main character who is treated like any other character on the show, not just regelated to “A Very Special Coming Out Episode” or turned into a punchline (sorry “Will & Grace”, I appreciate what you were doing at the time, but when I watch old episodes now it’s sorta gross how you exploited homosexuality for punchlines. But, to be fair, you exploited a lot of things for punchlines. You were a sitcom) was unthinkable. Sure, Glee is arguably the gayest show on tv even without Kurt’s storyline, and maybe we’re a few years away from having a gay protagonist of the next “CSI: Somewhere” but we’re getting closer. And I think someday soon we’ll accept as normal the idea that a character’s sexual identity is just one of the many things that define him or her.

Also, if someone can get me to like “Baby it’s Cold Outside”, and not just think it’s just weird and psuedo-date-rapey, that person wins. So there’s that.

Baby It\'s Cold Outside

here’s the thing…

…I know I haven’t been posting frequently enough. I know. I’m bad. But I’ll tell you a secret: I tweet a lot. And a lot of the tweets are funny things the kids say. So if that’s why you read AF, you should just bite the bullet and get onto twitter. I’m @racheleklein.

You’re welcome.

I wrote this the other day.

…It’s about Jewish Day School. I told them I wasn’t sure they’d like what I’d write, that my own kids didn’t go to Jewish Day School, and that maybe I wasn’t the right person for the task. but they said they wanted me to do it anyway.

This is what I wrote.

They published it.

So I guess someone liked it.

Hey, Dad, is Mom there?

Finally, an answer to the age old question no one thought to ask. See, we’re not avoiding you, fathers. Well, we are, but for a totally good reason.