accidental feminist

barbaric female beauty ritual November 26, 2008

Trust me, this was not my idea:

Not that I’m opposed to it; I really don’t care. I mean, I had my ears pierced when I was 8, then when I was in college I just let them close up because I just never wore earrings. Now, I could go all into the anthropological oddity of mutilating oneself for beauty and gender expectations, but, really, whatever. I have this parenting style called “what the hell! it’s not like it’ll kill them”. And it seems to have worked out so far.

I’m not one of those people who are like “Oh! They look so pretty now!” I think they look pretty without sparkly things in their ears. In fact, it might be my aesthetic preference for them not to have earrings in their ears. But I’m sure they will go on to do many a thing to themselves that is not my “aesthetic preference” (remember my orange highlights, Mom? Or the fact that I refused to tuck in, then “blouse out” my shirts? Oh, my rebellions were many and varied…)

Anyway, once Bassie saw that it was no big deal, she was next:

Of course, two seconds after we’re done, Dina’s all “I want to get piercings everywhere!” And I say “No you don’t” and start listing off all the places she wouldn’t want piercings: your nose? no. your cheeks? no? your tongue? no. where, then, dina?

“My belly button!”

Oh, sweet heavens! My response: I told her that piercings were kind of like pets, and you had to prove you could take care of one before you get another one.

That ought to dam it up for a couple of years.

really? her? November 25, 2008

So, according to my sources (thanks, mirth), people are somehow finding a way to make this video a topic of feminist discussion.

Um…really? I mean, it’s a pop song…with a catchy beat…and an innocuous, anti-”why buy the cow” sort of theme. I mean, would it be more pro-feminist if the chorus were “I choose to have casual sex because I don’t need marriage to feel validated as a woman”? That’s not catchy! Seriously; can’t a girl just gyrate around in a one-armed leotard without getting flack? As for me, the only conclusions I can confidently come to regarding this supposed controversy are the following:
1. If you danced along to this video twice a day as though it were a Jane Fonda workout (and honestly, some of those moves are just a bit too “aerobics”y, no?), you might end up with as perky and bootilicious a derriere as Beyonce.
2. Cyborg Beyonce looks uncannily like human Beyonce; the only way to know the difference is that Cyborg Beyonce exists in a vacuous and colorless universe peopled only with her and her cyborg minions.
3. Cyborg Beyonce will be Obama’s pick for Secretary of Fierce.

a colbert christmas = genius! November 24, 2008

Really, the whole thing was pretty amazing, but the more I think about it, the more I think this was the best-executed of the lot.

Of course, the yidden will love this gem.

Nice to see Colbert getting back to his singing and dancing roots.

some people! November 21, 2008

Place: jcrew, Chestnut Hill Mall
Time: 11:55 AM, Thursday
Personae: jcrew worker (male), jcrew worker (female), tree hugger/environmentalist/stay-at-home dad (male), under-cover operative (me)

Dad: (preparing to pay for merchandise) I’ll just take this in the bag I brought in…

Male worker continues to ring him up.

Female Worker: That bag? I threw it away already.

Dad: (peevishly) I brought it back because I wanted to use it.

Male worker continues to ring him up.

Female Worker: (now peeved) I’ll go get it. (goes into the back and reemerges with a crinkled up old jcrew bag.)

Dad: There was some white tissue with that, too.

Female Worker: I threw that away too! (goes into the back to retrieve it).

Dad: (trying to sound ironic rather than angry) You guys have an obsession with throwing things away here, huh?

Female Worker: (reemerging from the back with a nasty-ass, torn strip of old white tissue paper, her petite frame reverberating with loathing) More like “cleaning up”! (smile smile!)

She then starts wrapping up his new merchandise in the torn up tissue. The male employee has yet to speak. he continues to ring the dad up. The tension results in silence for the rest of the transaction.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Yes, I use my old bags, too. And not just at the grocery store. At jcrew, and BCBG, and other nice stores where people think you’re creepy for saying things like “Oh, I’ll just stick it in my purse and save a bag”. People probably even talk about me as the “crazy soccer mom” on their very own blogs. But seriously: the tissue? The old, nasty, torn up, “who gives a crap anyway b/c that tissue, in the grand scheme of the environment, is not what is the problem” tissue? I mean, if you’re so concerned about the tissue, why the hell are you even buying new clothes at all? They were clearly adult sized, Mr. Stay-At-Home. They were not for growing children who might actually need new clothes. What, you don’t have sufficient clothing to cover your body? You have to buy the new, trendy corduroys? Do you know how many of the earth’s resources, not to mention the blood and sweat of Italian mill workers, were spent in the manufacture and shipping of those pants? If you really cared, you’d buy some hemp by the yard and make your own pants, Stay-At-Home Dad!

And could you let me know when you do, b/c I would like to buy some carbon credits off of you so that I can buy another pair of those cute gallery pants without feeling guilty myself…

someone should tell them… November 15, 2008

…that they are engaging in misleading branding…unless Kate Winslet is their spokeswoman…

ah, to be young… November 10, 2008

…and adorable.

the message board that time forgot…

There I was today, sitting in a tucked away corner of the only decent coffee shop in Waltham, drinking my latte, with nothing to do but peruse the large message board that lay within my sight line. It was chock full of goodies, like ads for private Japanese tutors and yoga classes. But the more I looked at it, the stranger the postings seemed to be. Exhibit A:

Is it, in fact, 2006? Have I entered a space-time portal? When was the last time this board was purged?

Exhibit B:

Of course, any Holocaust documentary that promises to be an “emotional roller coaster ride” and be followed by a “lively Q & A” must be a real class act. Probably a good “date night” choice.

And, finally, Exhibit C:
Ah, yes; the “apartment wanted” sign. So much more effective than responding to “Apartment for Rent” signs. After all, when you’ve got such specific needs, such as “Beautiful Environs w/ Yard and Space for a Compost Container”, the offers are going to come to *you*!

My plan is to create even more ridiculous, but plausible, postings for this message board, and stealthily pin them up to it in the coming months. Submissions are welcome. Please allow 6-8 weeks for our response.

And, no, I do not know why the formatting on this post is so kooky. yb?

this is what happens when i don’t unload my camera in a timely fashion

Oh, look at my strong husband protecting his family from that evil pumpkin!

sign of the times...

bassie’s election day civics/just-say-no lesson November 9, 2008

Bassie: So what did you just vote for?

Me: President.

Bassie: What else?

Me: The ballot measure to abolish income tax.

Bassie: Which you voted ‘no’ to.

Me: Yes.

Bassie: What else?

Me: There was a proposition about…about the penalty for a certain crime…(I stumble as I try to figure out how to explain it)

Bassie: Just tell me exactly what it said.

Me: Um, okay, it was about carrying a certain drug called marijuana, and the penalty for carrying a small amount, and whether it should be considered a really bad crime or a not so bad crime. Like, if the person’s caught with this small amount, should they get a punishment that would make them not be able to vote or get credit to buy a house…

Bassie: Oh, no, they shouldn’t get that punishment.

Me: Really, though, we first have to talk about why the government cares if a person chooses to take a drug; isn’t that his choice to make? I mean, who is the person is hurting when he takes the drug, besides himself?

Bassie: But there’s people who sell the drug; they’re hurting other people.

Me: And they would be carrying more than this amount.

Bassie: So they should definitely get punished. But maybe, if there were a bigger punishment for having any amount, it would stop people from taking it, too.

Me: I think that’s why the law is the way it currently is.

Bassie: Yeah, they should keep it like that.

Sorry, Bassie, the liberal elitists of Massachusetts have spoken.

really? jeans? today? November 4, 2008

Is it too much to ask Sarah Palin to get dressed up a little to go vote for herself for Vice President of the United States of America? I mean, she doesn’t have to wear the fancy Neiman’s stuff the RNC bought for her, but, like, maybe a pair of Favorite Fit crepe wool pants from Jcrew? No? “Keepin’ it real”, are we, Sarah? Okay, sounds good. You keep prayin’, honey.