accidental feminist

af summer movie festival entry #2: talladega nights June 30, 2007

This one was for all of my male high school students who just couldn’t believe I hadn’t seen it already! Now, I understand why they love it, and I don’t want to take that away from them. I mean, they also think “Crash” is, like, the deepest movie ever made (”OMG! It’s like, all of their lives are intertwined!”). But, uh, come on. Okay, the baby Jesus grace thing was chuckle-funny; I generally like John C. Reilly. And, uh, that’s about it. Sacha Baron Cohen was blah. Will Ferrell is one fat blah for me in general, and this did nothing in the area of changing that. It felt like a really long, decently funny youtube video that some guys in a sketch comedy group put together, but then somehow they got a $72.5 million budget to do all the cool crash scenes and get real racecar (palindrome) drivers to make cameos.

The thing is, I like Judd Apatow and his merry band of geeksters, but he’s gotta have a heavier hand than just producing to provide that satisfying apa-taste. And no Will Ferrell. I can’t help it; he rubs me every wrong way*. Blah.

humor 101 June 28, 2007

At the beach…

Me: Thanks for getting water on the towel, Bassie.

Bassie: Why did you say thank you if you don’t mean it?

Me: Oh, it’s sarcasm.

Bassie: What’s that?

Me: When you say the opposite of what you mean. Like when I say “Oh, Bassie, could you please whine some more. I love it!”

Bassie: Or when you ask if you can wipe my butt after I poop?

Me: (Cracking up as other suburban mothers glance at me with apprehension bordering on disgust) Yeah, like that.

Bassie: I knew it! (Runs off smiling)

af summer movie festival entry #1: secretary June 24, 2007

Well, we all know my affinity for the hot version of James Spader (not the “purposely-let-himself-go-to-prove-that-sex-appeal-is-about-attitude-not-physique” James Spader from Boston Legal), so this was quite a treat in that regard. Regarding the obvious selling point of the film, a supposedly honest and quirky look at the world of dominant/submissive sexuality, I felt mixed. It definitely had more humanity than “The Piano Teacher”, but there were just a few spots that seemed overwrought, to wit: 1) the scene in the “spanking” montage where Spader puts a saddle on Gyllenhaal’s back and a carrot in her mouth…really? No, I mean, really? Um…okay…, and 2) The end of the film, where, for example, Gyllenhaal’s slightly too eloquent manifesto on S&M that somehow makes it into the newspaper that Spader reads (”I finally found someone who would play with me”? I’m sure that’s a term from the dominant/submissive lexicon, but “play” was not what she was after; release was, which she got, and bravo to her, but let’s let the real character speak and not make her a mouthpiece, a mere plaything, if you will.). Here the movie makes a strange turn as it merges with the ending of “Never Been Kissed”, which, for me, is significantly more disturbing than any of the aberrant sexuality presented in the film.

It is, as many critics note, rather sexy, if you allow yourself to accept the givens of the relationship at hand. But it might do a bit too much advocating for some psychological states that should probably be addressed by means other than sexual bondage, even if the two character’s do love each other have reached a mutually agreed upon state for their sexual relationship; a girl who has been self-mutilating since 7th grade doesn’t just need a good hard smack on the bottom from, an albeit alluring, James Spader; she needs some therapy, and possibly a good hard butt smack.

that wasn’t drunk blogging; this is drunk blogging June 21, 2007

This will either prove or disprove my theory that I am just as normal and/or outlandish whether or not I have imbibed. I had a fun night tonight, if not surreal. I went to a benefit for an artists colony, and there were two distinct types there: the twenty-something artist set, and the 40 to 50 something parents and/or patrons of the arts. Because I was with one of the later (albeit a very hip one), I ended up chilling with people close to twice my age, and, for the first time, feeling like I probably had more fun with them than I would have with the 20-somethings. There was something unpretentious about this group, something warm and genuine (not to mention that I got the best of both worlds by being able to talk about stretch marks and get told that I must have gotten married at 14, I look so young). And I looked around at the “kids” who were probably a couple of years younger than me and just thought “That’s so sweet; good for them!” Well, if I can figure out a way to feel grown up without feeling like a grownup, I may just be able to accept my impending 30s after all (reference #2, if you’re counting…).

good mother milestone #27 June 19, 2007

Bassie just had her first play date turned dinner date. I made Poached Salmon in Cream Sauce with Cheese Pasta. The verdict from Bassie’s friend: You’re a good cook! (And she wasn’t lying; she cleaned her plate!)

Ah, yes, seven year olds like my cooking. I feel like mounting my Ford Windstar and driving off into the sunset.

“We’ll never forget you, Domestic Ranger!”

“And I’ll never forget you. But my job is done here. There are other hungry children to feed all over this great land of ours; and I’m going to roam these parts, making mildly seasoned, neutrally colored meals for anyone who whispers the name ‘Mommy’.”

knocked up= wait? you mean I’m not supposed to think that seth rogen is the kind of guy i’d consider dating? June 18, 2007

I mean, call me crazy, but I think he’s got it going on! Jewfro, 80s movie references, super-sweetness. I think that all girls wish they were “too pretty” and “too sophisticated” for “that dude”, but they should really thank their lucky stars if they end up with him, and not some gelled-hair, ascot-wearing, cheating-at-his-bachelor-party prick. She’s the one who got the good deal in the end. And, hello? “Who’s Doc?” I’d be all up in there with the 1.21 gigawatts on that one! “Who’s Doc?” Seriously, lame! Oh, did I mention that I have a supercrush on Paul Rudd, and have since “Clueless”, but got an even bigger one when I realized that he’s actually not a straight man, hunky guy actor like they tried to pass him off as in that flick at all. He’s, like, super funny! And oh, that perky nose (ignore the other people in that picture, except for Roger Ebert- he looks so healthy and happy there- and look at that freaking adorable nose!)! You slay me, Paul. (Is that too many links? You scour through imdb and try to pick only one!) I wish you had picked me to dance with at the first Champagne Snowball of your Bar Mitzvah. I would have appreciated it, unlike the pretty, skinny, popular girl who the nerdy guy always picks, because it’s his one chance to touch her where she can’t say no. I’m that girl who always listened to you talk about that other girl and secretly loved you, but who you always told what an awesome friend I was, and how my personality totally made me pretty. Oh, Paul. You never knew how much it hurt…Wait? What? I didn’t go to Jr. High with Paul Rudd? Why, just because he’s eight years older than me? Shut up!

Okay, I’ll divert your criticisms with a cute picture, lest you think I am whistling Dixie about my affinity for cute noses:

Just look at that. You don’t get a nose that cute on your kid without a nose that cute on your spouse. And that, my friends, is natural selection. (Did I just channel Dwight?)

extra extra! the conclusion… June 13, 2007

Okay, we got it! I asked Bassie once again today about the concept of “Extra Medium”. I started by asking her what “medium” was. Here’s how it went down:

Bassie: Well, like me and Daddy are the medium ages in the family, because we’re in the middle.

Me: So “Medium” means somewhere in the middle?

Bassie; Yeah.

I couldn’t have asked for a better set-up than this.

Me: Ahh…yes, so what’s “Extra Medium” for our family? Because Daddy’s 28 and you’re 5, so there’s a big difference between your ages even though you’re both in the middle.

Bassie: Maybe 27?

Me: Well.. that’s really close to 28.

Bassie: Maybe like 10?

Rachel: Well, let’s see: 10 is 5 years away from you, but 18 years away from Daddy.

Bassie: Oh, 17.

Third time’s the charm.

Me: Yeah, wait, let me think. 17 is 12 years away from you, and 11 years away from Daddy. But actually, more like 11 1/4 away from you and 10 3/4 away from Daddy. Yeah. Nice job.

Bassie is beaming.

maxim’s got it all wrong!

Conversely, any Hot List that has Kate Winslet in the Top 10 where she belongs, and includes Tina Fey and Parker Posey has it all right (I’ll even forgive the inclusion of Drew Barrymore and Demi Moore; hey, it takes all types…) Of course, Jessica Alba and Lindsay Lohan are rightly beloved by guys and girls alike. Note to Lindsay: maybe you could hang out w/ Jessica once in a while. She just looks so… wholesome.

Thanks to yosef for the link and for sharing my intensely amorous affections for Ms. Winslet. Oh, Kate, you had us at “iceberg”...

Small Mediums at Large June 12, 2007

Bassie: (Noticing the tag on a pair of shorts I was buying in line at Target) What does “M” stand for?

Me: Medium. What do you think “S” stands for?

Bassie: Short?

Me: Good Guess. Small. What about “L”?

Bassie: Large?

Me: Good. What about “XL”?

Bassie: (Growing ever more confident) Extra Large!

Me: Good. And “XS”?

Bassie: Extra Small!

Me: Hmmm…why isn’t there an “XM”?

Bassie: (Thinking for a second, then smiling her triumphant smile) Because that would be “L”!

Lady in front of us in line: (unable to contain her feelings) That’s a very smart answer.

Wow, thanks for your validation of my child’s intelligence, Nosey Rosey.

Addendum: After Matt’s comment, I feel the need to continue the story as it actually went down, even though the way I cleaned it up for the Interwebs made a nice little package. It proceeded as follows:

Me: But then wouldn’t “XS” be “M”?

Bassie: (processing) No, no. If Small is like this (indicates about a foot between her hands), then Extra Small is like this (indicates about three inches).

Me: Bassie, you’ve just discovered a very interesting principle of the word “extra”, in that it makes whatever it modifies more like what it already is. So would “XM” really be L?

Bassie: (done with this line of questioning) I think so.

At this point, I thought the same thing Matt did, which was that “XM” would be somehow more “average” than “M”, but before I figured out how to explain that to Bassie, it was our turn in line. The curtain closes on another teachable moment.

You work it, Ellen Barkin! June 2, 2007

I’d put Ellen Barkin up there with Lauren Bacall on my list of inspiring Jewish Women of Hollywood. They’ve both aged with dignity and beauty (and neither with plastic surgery); both bring to the screen a truly sensual and strong womanly sensibility– but they won’t let that strength force them to play the virgin-whore that, oh, for example, Angelina Jolie was willing to play in “Mr. and Mrs. Smith”. No, they won’t let the frightened little men clip their wings. I am reminded of the stupid, stupid boys in my dorm at UofC who once told me that I’d be more attractive if I were less opinionated. Bacall and Barkin, for me, represent the women who is attractive precisely because of her strength; and they give me hope that there are men out there, the kind of men the kind of girl like me would consider worth his salt, who actually want a women who’s a little hard to handle (and not in a fake, I’ll-tell-you-I-hate-you-but-then-crumble-under-your-intense-and-manly-gaze way).

And I love this quote from a recent Barkin interview: “Would I rather look the way I looked when I was 43? Yes. 33? No. I always thought women peaked between 36 and 43. Something happens to your face and everything just settles in.” Here’s to that as I approach my 30s. (The first reference in what is sure to be a summer-long veritable tour-de-force of references to my upcoming monumental birthday).