shiva October 21, 2004
It’s been a rough week, and I’m getting the feeling looking at this blog that I should rename it “The Abbablog”…
As the grandchildren shoveled dirt over my grandfather’s grave, my uncle turned to my mother and said, “Dad always said, ‘If you’re alive, you do. And when someone dies, you bury him.’” It’s amazing the things that comfort us in such times. As we were leaving, Jacob (my cousin), put a green banana on the grave. After my grandmother’s death, my grandfather would always say “At my age, you don’t buy green bananas.” It was strangely therapeutic to see that banana on Abba’s grave.
Going through the albums we had out all week, I found a poem that I wrote for Abba for his 90th birthday, based on our confrontation about my not being a feminist. I had forgotten I wrote it.
At the eulogy, my husband Yosef said that in their last conversation, Abba told him that one of the most important decisions a person makes is who he or she marries. My cousin then turned to me and said, “You did good.” In a world with a 50% divorce rate and so much marital unhappiness, I feel blessed in that regard. I think that a lot of my strength as a person comes from knowing I am loved and supported. When a women feels that she must constantly “prove herself” in order to get or stay in favor with men or a particular man, she compromises her own identity and dignity (and believe me, I’ve done some pretty ridiculous things in my day to cull favor…) Not that a woman needs a man, but if she has one in her life, he should be there to enrich it, to contribute to who she already is, not diminish her sense of self and constrict her.
Some clarification is needed her. “Restriction”, or placing limits, is different than “constriction”, cramping or contracting. Limits are necessary to a healthy relationship, and should be set together. Constriction tends to connote an agressor and a victim (like strangulation). When two people enter into a marriage, it is healthy to be monogamous. It is unhealthy to lock one’s spouse in the house for fear of what she will do it she gets out.
When you know that you are loved and respected, you can set mutually agreed-upon limits without losing autonomy. This may very well be the first tenet of accidental feminism.
